Thinking deep about following Jesus

Hi my name is Mysteriousious, author of the best seller, Secretly Secret Secrets of Secret Societies and the Secrets They Keep. Now if you are an avid reader, and therefore spend a lot of time in book stores, you would have noticed a trend in recent resent years, and that is that … Conspiracy sells! People are lapping up books that give them the inside track on history and the world around them; people who do not have the time or energy to research for themselves, people who pay.
Now dear reader you no doubt want to cash in on this cash cow of conspiracy and I, the grand vizier of all things conspirational, will aid you as cohort in conspiring to turn conspiracy into cash. This article aims at giving you the tools necessary to write your own best selling conspiracy fiction or non-fiction. So empty your intellect, free your imagination and get ready to write.

Step 1: Pick a soft target
One thing that Salmand Rushdie taught me was to pick a soft target. We don’t want to discover, or should I say conjure up, something about any group that attempts to kill the messenger. What you want is an institution that is generally loving and benevolent, one that frowns upon murdering its opponents. For most of us in the trade that means choosing Christianity.
Do you want to be like Salmand Rushdie who had to flee for his life or be like Dan Brown earning the big bucks? My advice, go for the soft option of Christianity.
For years conspiracies have been flying around about Jesus, it doesn’t matter that no one has proven anything or given reliable arguments it just matters that people lap it up. For some reason we as a culture just love to tear down Christianity, so why not hop on the band wagon and if things get rough they have to forgive you and turn the other cheek, it’s in the bible isn’t it?

Step 2: Do loose research
Ok so we’ve established our institution, now we have to do some research. Remember that your target market is not made up of historians or theologians, you’re writing for the man on the street who hasn’t even really read the bible but has no doubt heard many stories about it (hopefully from another conspiracy theory book).
Tricks of the trade:
• Source obscure academics.
Trust me you can find an academic to back any theory. If your academic has been sidelined by the academic community do not fear, this only helps to further validate your theory that an international conspiracy is still underway with the evil academic community ganging up on your poor innocent academic whose only dream was to discover the truth.
• Look at symbols out of their context.
Remember you are looking for a covered up conspiracy so the more obscure the symbol the better. Do not be afraid to take symbols from diverse sources spanning thousands of years. Do not worry yourself with the setting that symbol was initially given in, unless of course it serves your purposes. Remember the more obvious meanings are no doubt lies by the establishment to cover up the truth.
• Metaphor or Literal, aye there’s the rub.
If a symbol had a metaphoric meaning take it literally, if literal then take it metaphorically. For example, in the Bible the snake symbolizes the devil and in John’s gospel Jesus was referred to being like the snake symbol that Moses raised to heal Israel’s people from snake bites. Therefore Jesus is the devil. Snake = devil, Jesus = snake staff of Moses, therefore Jesus =devil.
• The Usual Suspects
Should you have writers block or wish to bolster your theory then just turn to the usual suspects. There is no need to re-invent the wheel here (we are a well established market) so feel free:
1) The Illuminati: those rascally devils who rule the world but are apparently really rather shy.
2) The Catholic Church: Always a goodie, this is a massive organization of power (or it was at some point) with so many different minor organizations within it to chose from. You could delve into medieval history with the Jesuits or uncover the conspiracy down the road with Opus Dei. It’s a practical smorgas board and the best part is that they still use Latin, that mystical, magical language that no one can understand … or more accurately, they could if they just bough a Latin-English Dictionary.
3) The Knights Templar: the mysterious medieval knights who discovered the wisdom of Solomon while on a crusade to save the Holy Land.
4) The Free Masons (great grandchildren of the Knights Templar): still going strong after all these years and still secretive. You might even have an uncle who is one and won’t talk about it (got to be them right?)
5) The list goes on and on (Rosicrucians, Cathars, Merovingians etc) so just pick one.
• Use reliable sources in part.
If you find a reliable source that lines up with your theory by all means use it but be careful, the more reliable the source the more likely it is to contradict you. So how should we use them? Quote them (out of context if need be) to validate your theory but ignore the bigger picture of their argument. If you cannot ignore the bigger picture (who knows someone may have read the source) remember the 3 C’s of misquoting:
1) Code: The writer was purposefully hiding the true message within the greater text, one that you have found.
2) Conspirator: The writer is evil and part of the conspiracy however the evidence (sadly lost to us now) for your theory was so strong that he had to address it at the time and the source you are now quoting was an elaborate explanation to keep people from the truth.
3) Confused. Shame the poor chap was on to something but just didn’t have the brain power (or if you’re feeling generous, the resources) that you have. Give him two thumbs up for effort and a condescending nod.

Words of encouragement;
• There are always links and symbols. Human experience is limited and we often use the same symbols (often for different purposes) so just look for something similar and have fun.
• If there is no evidence for your theory it is of no concern it just goes to show how well they covered it up in the first place. i.e., use your lack of evidence as a tool to prove you’re write as any decent conspiracy is worth hiding well

Step 3: Keeping it Relevant
Well done, you have your institution and now you have your theory but in order to convert conspiracy into cash you need to make the reader feel that things are going on around them as they read. You need a sense of urgency.
How do you bring your conspiracy into the present?
• Name Change Game
So you have you a conspiracy from long before you reader was born. Not to worry you can bring it into the present by simply saying that the ancient organization changed their name to a current one. Why did they do this? To confuse the masses, or maybe they were just bored. Remember our lesson on interpreting symbols out of context and it’s easy: if both organizations have an eye or a snake in the logo they must be the same, no doubt.
• Current Events
So some nation attacks another and its all over the news, here is your chance. This was no doubt foretold by the prophetic writings of the exact institution you are talking about. There is a reference somewhere about a turban, must be Saddam Hussein, there is a reference to stars, must be referencing the USA’s flag. Just remember the three C’s of misquoting and you’ll have no trouble.
• It’s a Novel Idea
Write a fictional work and claim it’s based on true events. This is a great trick because if someone points out that an aspect of your research is unsound you can state that the specific part they are referring to isn’t one of the actual events your book is based on, you made it up. When they point to the next aspect you repeat your answer. And so and so on until the heckler looses interest and moves onto another issue. It’s fool proof!
• From Ancients to Aliens
Aliens are a hot item right now so why not connect them to your conspiracy? I can see it right now; there’s some ancient image on a tomb: Is it a man with a moon head, a chariot of fire in the sky, a ray of light shinning? No! It’s an alien and there spacey futuristic technology! Not only is a great visual stimulus but it helps explain difficult things like how they built the pyramids. Simple, alien technology.

So Get Going
Congratulations, you now have all the necessary tools to develop your conspiracy theory. Do not be concerned if you aren’t a history buff or an academic because all those kinds of things do is serve to distance you from your target market, the man on the street.
With a pinch of investigation, a sprinkle of logic and a cauldron of creativity you too could be cooking your way to the top sellers list. Go for it!

paul (aka mr.e) for retheo

please feel free to contact me at retheology@gmail.com